The Art of Forgiveness

Growing up was rather difficult for me. I suppose this can be explained by my environment but mostly had to do with myself and how I responded to situations in my life. Being upset with others and expecting so much from them, while putting too much pressure on myself always left me disappointed and angry. At a very young age I was jaded and depressed. In short, I was selfish but I did not realize this. Still, there was something inside me that wanted more in life. I would look around me and notice others and realize that there must be a possibility for me to be happy as well.


The first thing I had to do was forgive myself and forgive others. Being embarrassed for all the things I had done, forgiving myself proved to be the most difficult obstacle for me and sometimes it still is. I did learn how to forgive myself and I also learned how to forgive others. I did this by allowing myself to look at situations and people differently. I realized that by not forgiving I would only continue perpetuating the problems that I was experiencing. I really only had one choice if I expected to improve my life and that revolved around forgiveness.

First, I had to understand how selfish I was being. The entire time I was thinking about my feelings and how I was treated, and how I was affected by what others did. The truth of the matter, I wasn't thinking about what other people were going through or how they were viewing the same situation. I began to realize that the grass wasn't necessarily greener on the other side, it was just that people handled things in their lives differently. I had to be more patient with others. It was in my self-interest to be forgiving. Forgiving allows me to let go of anger I do not need to carry around with me and bring into new situations and relationships. I remove the power I allowed others to have over me and took that power on for myself.

I also understood that I wanted to be forgiven for the many things I had done and I should forgive others the way I want to be forgiven.

Here are some steps I used that have helped me to become forgiving:

1) The main element that helped me was having a relationship with G-d. This can be any higher power but the story of G-d and Jesus is undeniably the most powerful way to understanding the power of forgiveness. G-d IS love and forgiveness is a gift from love. Understanding that G-d loved us so much that He sent his own Son to be the eternal sacrificial lamb for ALL of our sins, can help us realize the power found in forgiveness. If we expect the Lord to forgive us, it is only right that we forgive others the same. We are told to love G-d with all our hearts, as well as our fellow man and the way to love our fellow man is through forgiveness.

We as humans are not G-d. It's not up to us to know what is in a person's heart. We don't need to know their story of how it is they came to be the people they are. It's really not any of our business but it is our business to forgive. As humans we all make mistakes and those that trespass against us are not any different. It doesn't even matter if they are remorseful. The act of forgiveness is about YOUR love of others and that is what we must show -- our love, a reflection of the love G-d has for us.

2) Look at the situation from a different angle. Many times the things we are upset about might be just an illusion. Maybe someone did something bad to us but we really do not understand the full story behind why and we may never know why. Is it possible the person made a mistake to protect someone else? Is there a possibility that we did something that caused the other person to react? Are we dealing with a person who is suffering from mental health issues? There are situations where people do horrible things but it has more to do with their own suffering causing them to behave in a negative way. Open yourself up to those possibilities and this can help you to find empathy, which can lead to forgiveness.

3) View the situation as an opportunity and a blessing. When we are put into a position where we can forgive someone, we can view this as a way to demonstrate our good character. When we see the situation as more of an opportunity, we can set our mind in a positive way that will allow us not only to forgive but do so with cheerfulness. We have the opportunity to show ourselves and G-d that we can be a good example for our families and for others.

4) Do not confuse forgiveness with forgetting. Ideally we want to be able to forget as well but, realistically we must learn to forgive first. In the worst case scenario, we may be dealing with people who are sociopaths. These are people who are unable to feel empathy and are capable of doing things most of us cannot possibly imagine. You should most certainly forgive but that doesn't mean you should continue to have a relationship with them.

For example, the hardest person for me to forgive was my dad's mother. She had done things to me and my family that were unbelievably sick and disturbing. I do believe she had Munchausen syndrome, which is where a person will slowly poison people around them and then proceed to take care of them, in order to garner sympathy from others. There were times we would eat at her place and we would become extremely ill, having to stay there and have her "care" for us. She was mentally abusive and would call me at home, knowing my parents were still at work (I was still a child maybe only 10 or 11 years old); during these phone calls she would say the meanest things to me and accuse me of doing things I could not have possibly done. The list goes on and on; her demented actions toward myself and others are too numerous. Did I forgive her? Yes, eventually I did. It took a long time but I had to. Should you forgive someone like this? Yes, you should forgive but that doesn't mean you need to be their friend anymore, just as I no longer needed to continue a relationship with my dad's mother. Forgiveness does not mean you need to continue to expose yourself to a toxic person. Pray for them; pray for your enemies but that's about all you can really do for them; it's not your job to "fix" them and in the case of sociopaths, it will not happen.

5) Enjoy your power. Forgiveness is not just an act of love, it's an act of displaying your power. Know that when you forgive, you put the power back into your hands. You are telling the world and the person who did you wrong that they have not broken your will; they cannot hurt you. You are a powerful force and nobody can take that away from you unless you allow them too.

6) Don't allow anyone to interfere with your relationship with G-d. One thing that helps me forgive is realizing that when I do not forgive, I am allowing them to interfere with my relationship with G-d. If G-d has asked me to forgive and I do not do so, how can I expect Him to do the same for me? How can the Lord bless me and protect me, if cannot do something as simple as forgive my fellow man? If the person who hurt you really is a bad person, then they do not deserve to interfere with you and G-d.

7) Forgiveness is the ultimate balance. In life, it is important for us to find balance in how we deal with situations that arise in our lives. I always think of the line in Rudyard Kipling's poem, "If."

If all men count with you, but none too much

By forgiving, we are recognizing the other person as important enough to display love but we are also recognizing they are not important enough to hurt our own spirituality. In fact, if you read the entire poem, you will find that an underlying theme is forgiveness. In order to do the things stated, one must be willing to forgive themselves as well as others.

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

    And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

    If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

You will notice that this poem is about finding a balance. Forgiving is what allows us to stay on a straight path, balanced between extremes. Forgiveness opens to the door to living in a more calm reality.

8) You make mistakes, others make mistakes as well. Always keep in mind that you are dealing with someone who is just as flawed as you. Even if someone did something you cannot possibly see yourself doing, it doesn't mean you are not capable of doing something similar. Often I find that when I have once criticized someone for something they did, years later life has a way of putting me in a similar situation where I end up doing what I have previously criticized. It's life's way of biting us on the rear end. By forgiving, we almost seem to lift a curse off of ourselves where we may be able to avoid being on the other side of the equation in the future.

9) By not forgiving, we risk straining other relationships. When we are angry at someone, we tend to talk about it with others. If we are all seeing a therapist, I suppose this is considered okay, but often we will talk to a friend, our spouse, or the person we are with. This can lead us to gossiping and even divulging personal information about the other person we had promised we'd keep secret. When we gossip, other people may start to question what type of person we are. The person you turn to might view you differently and may avoid opening up to you in the future for fear that if something occurs between you and them, they might be in fear you will divulge their personal information to others.

What was once between you and another can lead to unnecessary uncomfort between you and someone else. We don't even realize we are doing this; we turn into the toxic person. However, if we can talk about our frustration and then follow that up with telling others we will forgive, we show that person we are opening up to that we have a kind heart and this can actually bring us closer to them. Here again, we can see great benefit from forgiving.

10) Question yourself and give yourself some time. If you have to, make a list of pros and cons. Ask yourself what benefits you can gain by remaining unforgiving. Ask yourself what is really important to you. Question your apprehension for forgiving someone. By taking time to do this, you may find that you are being unreasonable. You will also help yourself put things into a better perspective. Look at the bigger picture. It's okay to take time and think. You are not bounded by time. However, the more you are able to forgive, the quicker you will be able to forgive others. The faster you forgive, the faster it is that you will be able to move on with your life and focus on more important things.

Forgiveness is powerful and it can be learned and mastered. It is for the benefit of all that we become more forgiving humans. Ultimately we truly are connected to everyone in some way. Recognize this and understand that we all have a place in this world. Life is too short to focus our time on people or situations that upset us.

Choose happiness. Forgive.