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Thursday, August 21, 2014

Depression– Selfish State of Mind

I have decided to go ahead and write about this topic since my recent comments on social media concerning the suicide of Robin Williams created quite an unexpected reaction. I do tend to irritate people from time to time with my unpopular opinions so really that’s nothing terribly new. However, a part of me feels bad for doing so in this case and I figured it would be best to perhaps further explain how my opinion has been formed concerning the topic of depression. Certainly I do not expect to change anyone’s mind but, perhaps this will help some understand why I have the opinion I do. 

Let’s first talk about Robin Williams. He recently committed suicide and many people seem to be surprised by this. I was not exactly expecting suicide but, the action itself did not particularly surprise me because of who Robin was while he was alive.  No I never knew the man personally but stories about him stealing comedy material from others have been well known for years. Stealing material is how he became famous. Later on he would infect a woman with herpes who took him to court for not first informing her that he was infected. Most people believe he did this more than once and logic dictates that he did. Williams and Disney became involved in many well-documented disputes. Like many entertainers, Robin was also a drug abuser. His behavior can only be described as self-centered and is exactly what led up to his dramatic suicide. 

My Personal Experience With Depression 

For whatever reason, people tend to believe that my assertion about depression being a selfish state of mind is insensitive; I am told, “You don’t understand depression” or, “You have never experienced depression.” I’d like to dispel this immediately. 

Unfortunately I have indeed suffered from depression. I was probably eleven years old when I first made a pathetic attempt to kill myself. It is no secret that my father was physically abusive when I was a child. I do believe being an only child did not help much either. I really felt quite alone and isolated. People liked my dad and nobody wanted to believe he would hit me or hurt me in any way. 

I often acted out as a child. I would throw temper tantrums. I was in a constant state of despair. I absolutely hated my life. 

My parents took me to weekly therapy. I also was in therapy at school. My problems were no secret and I certainly didn’t help anything with my own obnoxious behavior. 

The therapy was fine. I also went to group therapy and I did love my counselor at school. Everyone meant well and everyone wanted the best for me. I became addicted to the praise and sympathy without realizing it. It just seemed easier to act out and get some attention than do nothing and feel overwhelmed. I was told to talk about my feelings and talk to my parents but, nothing really seemed to change all that much. This went on for years. Things would go well for a bit and then fall apart. The periods in between became shorter and fewer. 

Finally I was offered an opportunity to be hospitalized. Of course I was concerned about the stigma from doing so but it was my only option. By this time I was fifteen years old and had grown desperate. I couldn’t understand why other kids around me were happy and I wasn’t. In my adolescent mind, it just wasn’t fair. There had to be a better way to live. 

I was scared to go to a hospital but I was also very excited.

Initially there were tests, lots and lots of tests. I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I was placed on an anti-depressant.* I can tell you I felt results immediately. Due to my ongoing depression I had not had my menstrual cycle for approximately six months and since a fifteen year old virgin cannot be pregnant, I knew it was from depression. The first day on medication, my cycle had returned. 

Unlike typical therapy, being in the hospital was much more intense. I was placed on a ward where there were others who were close to my own age. The day consisted of breakfast, school, therapy, lunch, physical activity, and many different workshops. During the day we would also meet briefly with the doctor we were each assigned to.  

We had a commons area for all the kids in my age group. This involved a limited kitchen and large living room area with a television. We had time to play games, do homework, do testing, and initiate a one-on-one with a unit member (a counselor assigned to our floor). 

Needless to say, I made friendships with some very interesting people during my stay. Initiating a one-on-one is a part of the program. It is an indication that the patient is being pro-active and it adds another therapy session. Depending on the day, we also would have group therapy sessions and other workshops to fill our days and nights. Of course we would also have a dinner and late snack before being sent off to bed. 

I was always pro-active and never missed my one-on-one sessions. It would be one fateful Saturday that I would approach Dave, a unit member /counselor who normally was assigned to the pre-adolescent unit, for a one-on-one. Dave was a well liked guy and even though he was not typically on our floor, he was popular. He accepted my one-on-one and we found a spot to commence the individual session. He asked me about why I was there and what problems I was having. I then answered him the best I knew how, briefly explaining that I had depression and had attempted suicide. To my surprise Dave laughed at me. In fact he told me that my problem was that I was feeling sorry for myself and that is why I was depressed. Until this point I had never had anyone say such a thing and obviously I was quite angry but, Dave then went on to point out how much I had to be grateful for. 

“Your parents come here every week for visits. Your call logs show they call you every night.” 

“Yes, they do,” I said. 

“Do you know how many kids here do not have that? Do you know how many kids younger than you that are here because they have no parents? They don’t get phone calls from anyone. I bet your parents give you presents for your birthday and Christmas, don’t they?” 

“Well, yeah…” 

“Well, so, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop being so selfish and self-centered.”

I was so angry. I am not even sure what I attempted to say. I began yelling and he immediately told me he didn't want to hear anything from me. 

“Go write in your journal and then bring it to me.” 

I stormed off and did just that. I remember writing quickly and aggressively. Who did this guy think he was telling me that I was feeling sorry for myself and suggesting that I was selfish?  I have never heard of such a thing before. F-ck him!!! I was so angry. 

After I was finished, I returned to Dave and handed him my scrawled out journal entry. He looked at it and smiled. 

I cannot remember exactly what he said to me, I do remember him telling me that I was being dramatic and that I needed to stop focusing on feeling sorry for myself and take advantage of my treatment. I was still upset. 

I went to bed that night angry and sad. I liked Dave and he obviously thought I was a fool. I felt embarrassed for the way I acted but I was upset that he made me feel so small, almost making fun of my problems. 

It’s true. I did have parents. I couldn't imagine being abandoned. Dave was right. There were a lot of those kids that had gone through much more than myself. There were kids who were awards of the state, kids who had been violently abused (much worse than me), kids who had been sexually abused, and kids who had severe mental issues like schizophrenia. 

Was I really feeling sorry for myself? Was I selfish? 

The following day I was sent to my psychiatrist and told him all about Dave and what he said to me. My doctor simply looked at me, “How does that make you feel?” 

“Well, I’m angry”

“Are you angry because he hit a nerve with you? Do you think what he said was true?” 

Sigh. I didn't know. I didn't know what to think. My doctor began to point out that while I was indeed depressed; my work here had to be focused on changing my thoughts and behavior. Nobody could do that for me. 

What I Ultimately Learned About Depression

The truth is, drugs can and do work. You can’t just tell someone to “snap out of it.” That’s not how depression works. You have to change the way you view situations. Instead of automatically believing the worst, you have to give happiness a chance. 

Dave sure pissed me off but, without Dave, I might never have recovered. Until Dave came along and laughed in my face, I was only focused on what I wanted and what I was feeling. I had never once considered other people, not even my parents. I certainly was not concerned with all the people who had been involved in trying to help me either. I had never once given thought to all the kids there who really did have problems far worse than me, watching me, thinking how foolish I was for being so ungrateful and selfish. 

That day, that Saturday, was the first day of my life. I never did get to thank Dave. I didn't realize how much he helped me until much later.

I finally began making strides and changing my behavior. Part of therapy was learning about different ways to approach situations and people.

Many times, depressed people take things so personally. Thinking everything is about them; a depressed person can take a benign situation and turn it into an attack upon them, causing even more ridicule from others. Without knowing it, the depressed person can compound their problems because of this negative thinking but, this negative thinking is not necessary – it is a choice.

The first thing I had to learn was that I was indeed feeling sorry for myself.  What an uncomfortable reality. Yes, my situation was bad, others may even have it worse but, ultimately when someone is depressed they are being selfish. They are immersed in their own thoughts about their own lives and their own feelings, even if they do not realize this. 

No matter how bad you have it, someone else has it worse, I can almost guarantee that. If you are in a bad place that is all the more reason NOT to feel sorry for yourself because ultimately you will make your situation worse without even realizing it. If however you can accept that you’re feeling sorry for yourself, you can begin to think about things differently, and new thoughts create a different reality. 

Escaping depression takes hard work. You cannot expect to get better if you never make any efforts to do so. Mental illness is indeed similar to a serious physical ailment. If you go to the doctor for a severe cut, you will be told to take pain meds, maybe even an antibiotic, and you will be given instructions on how to treat your wound. You will be expected to clean it out daily and change the bandages daily. Taking the drugs is just part of the treatment. 

Ultimately a person needs to be armed with new thoughts and new ways to behave when they are approached with situations that normally cause them to feel depressed - triggers. Medication cannot alter your behavior.  Therefore, if you take the meds but make no effort to change your mental processes you will ultimately remain in one place, moving neither forward nor backwards. 

When a person is given anti-depressants it can help numb them a bit. They will not feel the sting of a trigger as severely but nothing will take away the depression fully unless the person can change their mental patterns and thoughts that accompany the trigger.

I have used the following example before in my writings and I will use it here as well. I believe it helps truly explain the problems with being depressed and how being depressed compounds problems: 

A young girl suffering from depression is standing in a lunch line. She is alone and waiting. After a few minutes she hears laughter. She looks back to discover the laughter coming from two girls who do not like her. She immediately perceives they are laughing at her and begins to get very upset, even visibly expressing her emotions by crying. The two girls notice her crying and begin to laugh even more until the young girl storms off, ultimately missing lunch.  

Now let’s back this up and look at the situation from the other side. The truth is the girls were not at all laughing at this other girl. They are like most teenage girls in their own little world laughing about something that just happened before they found their way into the lunch line. They noticed this girl crying and found this to be funny because this girl is always crying about something. Everything always has to be about her and they couldn’t figure out why she was crying now. They begin to laugh even more because of how foolish this other girl looks to them. The girl runs off prompting even more laughter from other people who also witnessed the scene play out. 

If this same situation occurred with a girl who was depressed and just taking anti-depressants, this same scene might play out differently. The girl might not run away. She might not cry but, she will still feel as though the girls are laughing at her. She will carry on the rest of her day thinking about why they were laughing at her. Again, the major sting of this situation might be less painful but the depressed thoughts will still remain. 

This same girl with both drug treatment and therapy, under this same situation will have learned that this type of situation is one she’s been waiting for. She will be eager to take on the challenge. She will recognize that her first initial feelings could very well be wrong. She will hear the laughter and tell herself, “Okay, they could be laughing at me but, not everything is about me. They probably do not even know I’m standing here. In fact, it is more likely they are laughing about something else. I can be happy for them. I am going to smile myself. Even IF they are laughing at me, who cares? Maybe there is something funny about me to laugh about. Everyone gets laughed at; this will not be the last time I get laughed at. It doesn't matter. I am funny. I am going to smile. I can smile and be happy.” Initially all this self-talk can seem like a lot of work and it IS a lot of work. However, after so many times of doing this, it will come naturally and this girl can just skip it all and just smile. The two girls may witness this smile and think differently of this girl, “Wow, she’s actually happy for once! It’s about time!”  

It is truly amazing the different reactions you begin to see when you change the way you look at situations. I know. I have lived it. I worked hard to change but, it was worth it and it all began when I accepted that I was indeed being selfish. I was taking situations and making them about me and my feelings. I was feeling sorry for myself and this is what made things worse for me. 

I wish I could tell you that even though I was depressed I was still a good person. The fact is, I wasn’t a good person. I was an angry person who acted out and disrespected people. I certainly didn't mean to be this way but, again, I wasn't thinking about anyone but myself so I never noticed or cared to think about the way I was affecting others. 

My attempts at suicide are most embarrassing. How could I possibly do something so horrible to my parents? When I think about the idea of my own child thinking about doing this, I become anxious. The horror I would have put my parents through had I actually been successful, makes me cringe. Admittedly the attempts I made were pretty pathetic but, just the fact that I entertained the idea is bad enough. Also the fact that I could not look past my own feelings and not consider the consequences of my actions also shows that I was self-centered and lacked emotional intelligence. 

No, Not All Situations Are the Same

Of course not everyone has the same situation. I am not Robin Williams or anyone else who has committed suicide. There are many people in this world who grow up in a wide variety of situations and with a wide variety of problems. I still say with confidence that at its core -- depression is selfish. It must be treated with both therapy that includes developing strategy skills and medication. 

When I speak of someone like Robin Williams, I am not speaking of a man who grew up in a third world nation, had no access to medical or mental health care, was born into slavery, or some other dire situation. I am speaking of a man who had millions of fans, had access to the best medical/mental care this planet has to offer, and a man who had children. All of these are more than enough reasons to choose life and the fact that he didn’t does not create any sympathy from me. 

His suicide only serves to prove that he was indeed a selfish man who self-medicated and never once put in the hard work and effort to make the best of his life. He instead expected others to somehow find a way to do for him what only he could do for himself. We simply cannot look outside ourselves for answers. We MUST turn in to ourselves, our inner world’s and question who we are and what we want to be. If you are depressed and no longer want to be depressed, you CAN get there but, it’s not easy and nobody can do it for you - nobody. 

There are some rare circumstances where people commit suicide because of certain dangerous medications they were prescribed. Often these cases end up revealing the person was abusing the prescription or they had mixed the prescription with something illegal. It is important for us to remember that suicide can happen for other reasons but, again, these are rare cases and not the norm. 

I also want to note that the example I spoke of earlier about the girl reacting to the two laughing girls is only an exaggerated example of what might occur. Not all people are alike and certainly not all depressed people are alike nor react the same. My point of the example is to show the importance of both medication and on-going therapy. 

Nobody Wants to Hear the Truth

Not only did Robin Williams commit suicide, he even did so in a horrific and dramatic manner. He simply could not leave this planet peacefully; he wanted his loved ones to suffer for the rest of their lives as well. Imagine if you will, walking in and finding your loved one hanging dead from the ceiling. There is no way in hell that Robin was not thinking about how awful this would look to the person who found him in this state. He either wasn't thinking because he was that selfish or he was thinking about it and did it anyway because he was so selfish. There is no escaping that fact. 

I don’t care how bad you have it, somebody has it worse. Life can be depressing at times. To this day, I can have days where I feel sorry for myself. It does happen. It’s hard not to ever feel sad from time to time. However, I now recognize it, I even sometimes take a few days to feel sad, to let it all out, and finally find a plan, a solution, and a way to get out of my funk and move on. It’s the only way to be productive and to avoid feeling sad and pathetic.  

When I see people talking about Robin Williams and talking about how sad it was he committed suicide and how they feel so sorry for him, I think that this is exactly what he wanted – people to feel bad for him. Oh, poor Robin. 

I do not want to see someone who may be thinking about suicide see this news coverage and the current internet talk and think inside their heads that they too can “be in a peaceful place,” or “in heaven,” or “finally making G-d smile.” No. I shame suicide and I want anyone who is thinking about suicide to instead understand that they are important people – all of us are. I want them to stop only thinking about themselves. I don’t care if they are pissed off for a month because I told them they were being selfish – that’s another month of life and thinking and that thinking will help lead to recovery. 

No, money doesn't bring happiness, nobody said it did but, money doesn't give anyone a reason to be depressed either. Money in of itself is a neutral force much like all inanimate objects and can be used for good or bad. People have to stop being told that money is evil because it’s not. It is the love of money, not money itself. If you love money more than your fellow man, you will sacrifice your own character and become evil. 

The truth is, people who are depressed need help and they need to work hard. Taking drugs for self-medicating purposes only creates more of a barrier between you and your mental health. 

Anyone can be mad at me all they like. I know. I hated Dave. I wanted to tear his face off but, I would give anything for a chance to thank him today. 

“If You Know So Much Why Doesn’t My Therapist Tell Me This?”

I do not claim to be a professional. I do know a bit about psychology. I also know first-hand about suffering from depression. I do not ask that you take my advice anymore than I would demand you agree with me. I only write this to express how I have formed my opinions concerning this topic. 

Depression is recognized as a learned behavior and behaviors can be modified. Behaviors develop over long periods of time and they can become habits. There is a habit to being depressed. It’s mechanical and people are completely unaware. 

Now, imagine being a therapist, a psychologist, or psychiatrist and speaking with people who come to you for help with their depression. You certainly wouldn't tell someone they are feeling sorry for themselves. In addition, no matter how much a professional sees the selfishness of depression, we certainly cannot expect them to point this out to their patients. I was in a unique situation that allowed for Dave to be rather blunt with me. His style was not typical and, would probably not work in something like weekly therapy. He wasn't working for himself; he was working for the hospital. He did not have a future appointment with me nor did he need to have one. This detachment allowed him to be more honest and upfront with me. This also took place in the very early 90’s, pre-Clinton, when being PC had not yet made its appearance in our culture. 

Mental health care professionals want to be helpful; they are not interested in upsetting anyone. They all mean well of course but, many times meaning well does not always reflect the truth. We should all be familiar with the phrase concerning “good intentions.”  In today’s world professionals especially have to be sensitive about people and their delicate feelings. While this attitude might protect the sensitivities of some, it also prevents those same people from being exposed to harsh realities that may indeed help them, not hurt them. 

Perhaps I might be able to help someone by merely writing bluntly and honestly about depression? The anonymity of the internet might serve well in this area. 

“So What Am I Supposed to Do? I’m Supposed to Stop Feeling Sorry for Myself (Which I Do Not Believe I Am Doing), and Everything Will Somehow Be Okay?”

No, this is not what I have said at all but, since this is similar to how people respond to me, I figured I’d better address the question. 

If you are one of the millions who are depressed, you have to first ask yourself if you’re willing to put in the work and effort. The road to happiness is not exactly easy and I really wish that it were. I would love to be able to tell you some cute phrase or help you understand why you are depressed while others seem to have it so lucky but, that would not be reality. You need to understand that this will take time and effort. 

Medication - If you are fortunate to go to a doctor for your depression, you should consider taking an anti-depressant. Your doctor will be able to offer you the best one that is available. You however have to take your medication as prescribed. You need to keep record of how you feel from day to day. It is up to you to follow through with the directions and giving feedback to your doctor will help them help you. 

If on the other hand you do not have access to a psychiatrist or nurse practitioner, you will need to fix your diet. Eat well. Stop eating junk foods. A healthy balanced diet is what is going to be required. You need to do this anyway but, without meds, it’s completely necessary. Consider taking a 5-HTP supplement. 

Exercise – I know, it doesn’t sound exciting but keeping your body healthy is exactly what you’re going to have to start doing if you want to kick depression. 

Keep a Journal – Write down at least a paragraph describing your day. When you feel good, why do you feel good? What was it that made you feel overwhelmed today? Write down daily goals. Did you complete all your daily goals? Start out slow by listing only a few goals a day and work your way up. Journal keeping will help you become more aware. Did you miss a day? A week? It’s okay, just go right back to writing again. Have patience. Don’t be so hard on yourself. 

Mindset – You need to start recognizing that depression is selfish. How so? Take it to its extreme. Those who are extremely depressed sit around and do nothing productive. Much like sloth, it is selfish. Some take it so far as to take their own lives and this is the height of being selfish. Taking one’s own life and being so self-absorbed that a person actually is able to rationalize that others would be better off without them is selfish. Think about that honestly for a moment. How can anyone know what’s best for another human being when they cannot even be happy about their own lives? 

You are a person of importance and value. You can deny all you want to me about how you are not feeling sorry for yourself or that you do love others but, you cannot love anyone when you don’t love yourself. You cannot care about anyone when you’re not even caring about yourself. You’re just caring about your feelings. You have more power than you realize. You have to recognize that and you have to utilize your power. Don’t be so fearful of taking control over your life. If you don’t, someone else will and you will never stop being depressed. 

Nobody said life was easy. Life will still have its issues but when you’re healthy and in the right mindset you will be able to tackle those problems without feeling lost and sad. 

Therapy – You need to find a therapist who is going to help you identify triggers that cause you to feel depressed. Yes, depressed people are always depressed but, depressed people laugh too. You need to figure out what makes you feel despair. 

What obstacles are in your way? Do you become embarrassed easily? Are you scared of someone or a situation? Have you lost a loved one? What exactly is it that brings about the fullest emotions of helplessness? Identify these situations and find a plan. 

Strategy – Your therapy MUST include a strategy. You might have to “fake it till you make it” but, I promise you that pushing yourself outside your comfort zone is going to pay off. You cannot simply “be happy.” You have to figure out ways in which you are going to handle yourself differently whenever you are approached with troubling situations. 

Bathe yourself in positive thoughts. Whenever you are approached with a situation that is making you feel insecure or when you find your mind racing towards sad thoughts, you must stop, breathe, and think to yourself – “It is okay. I’m fine. This is going to work out fine. I just need to stop and gain control over my mind. I don’t need to think badly about this. I AM in control over my thoughts and I am choosing wisely. I am choosing to think in a more positive way. Even if I am wrong, it’s okay because it’s not that big of a deal anyway. I will not allow myself to make situations bigger than what they are. This is happening because I have allowed it to happen and now I’m going to correct my feelings and my actions, and things WILL work out.” 

Yes, it sounds a bit crazy but, you must replace the negative thoughts with positive thoughts. You must replace the negative behavior with positive behavior. 

Observe – Spend a lot of time observing people. Maybe there is someone you feel who has it all together. That person who’s always smiling and always getting along well with people might be able to help you. 

Chances are any other person has their own problems but you don’t need to consider that now. You should focus on their behavior – How are they acting? How do they handle situations that arise? How are they different? If we can emulate some of their behaviors we can fix a lot within ourselves. You will notice that the happy person, the popular person doesn’t take things so seriously. When something embarrassing happens, they laugh at themselves, laughing with others. They keep under control, not allowing others to upset them for no good reason. You too can do this. You just have to observe and then do the same for yourself. 

Control your mind - Keep still. Take mental breaks where you allow your mind to just be still. Depression can go away when we can calm our mind. Start with one minute and work up to an hour a day. You will begin to understand that you do have control and you do have a choice concerning how you handle situations. 

Learn meditation. This can help settle your mind. Prayer is also a form of meditation. Do you believe in G-d? Maybe you should. I know that having some spiritual connection and faith is something that helped me. We are all different in this world but, perhaps a faith in a common creator can help you feel closer to the world around you. Amazingly the Bible does contain many brilliant pieces of wisdom that can help you get through any situation. Reading the Book of Job might be helpful. Other religious texts can also help provide some insight for you. Give it a try. If you are depressed, you have to do something different because what you’re doing now is not working. 

Be mindful of what you are reading/watching/listening to. – It is very important that you understand that we humans are not stagnant. We are always taking in information and even things we aren't seeking. If you’re listening to sad music, get rid of it. If you’re watching sad movies with dark, depressing tones, stop it. If you’re reading about an evil haunting or some other nonsense, shut the book up and throw it away. Seriously, stop giving your attention to entertainment that serves no good purpose. I know it might sound extreme but, the truth is, everything we give attention to we become. If we are watching sad movies, we will become sad. You must add inspiration to your life! Watch inspiring movies, read inspiring books, read biographies about amazing people who have overcome challenges. If it’s not inspiring or positive, then there is no reason to pay any attention to it. Quality food for your mind is just as important as quality food for your body. 

I also suggest getting rid of sports. That sort of entertainment can work people up in very negative ways as well. Unless it’s a part of your job or something you have serious passion for, then you should be more focused on calming your mind. 

People who are depressed tend to be mean. – I know this might be a shocker to some but if you are depressed it is most likely you are not treating people in your life very well. In fact, you are probably treating them like crap and this is why people end up treating you like crap, and the circle continues of bad behavior chasing after more bad behavior. 

First of all, do NOT do anything for anyone if you actually expect something in return. Good deeds will not be returned and people will sense that you are trying to buy them; in turn they will treat you poorly. If you want to do something good for someone else than just do it for the purposes of being nice. Otherwise people will always end up disappointing you. There is no reason for this disappointment. You are not expected to do anything you don’t want to do. 

Bottom line is people who are depressed seem to never be satisfied with anything. Perfection does not exist and happiness about something comes from within, not from any other source. You must start analyzing situations from a more objective viewpoint. Maybe something isn’t exactly what you pictured, maybe it’s better? Maybe what you wanted isn’t what was best? Try to control initial reactions and allow situations and events to unfold. Many times things aren’t always what they seem. 

Being realistic – What does happiness look like to you? Life is not always about sunshine and roses so don’t expect life’s problems to go away but you should indeed strive for a life that can go about handling life’s issues without feeling miserable every second of the day. You at least deserve this but, you have to ask for it and you have to want it. 

Sometimes people have been depressed for so long, they don’t really know any other way to be. They become uncomfortable with a healthy mindset. You have to recognize this in yourself and be honest with yourself. If anyone is impeding your happiness it really IS you. You have to get to a point where any depression will no longer be tolerated by you. 

People who have been depressed longer than six months will experience this type of attachment to depression. The longer you have gone, the stronger the attachment will be. 

No Drugs and No Alcohol – You must keep yourself clean and free of drugs and alcohol. Your medication and therapy will be completely worthless if you insist on putting damaging chemicals inside your body. If you are not going to get rid of these toxic elements then you might as well avoid seeking help altogether. 

Who or what in your life is worth living for? If you have children, a spouse, parents, friends, you have many reasons to live. If you have a passion, you have even more reasons to live. Focus on whatever it is your life you know is important and realize your worth! 

Stop making excuses. Start finding solutions. There is not a soul on this earth who has never faced problems. From the time we are born we are confronted with problems. When you’re a baby and you’re hungry, that’s a problem and you soon learn to cry out in order to alert your mother/caretaker to feed you. Life is a whole series of problems. 

We can choose to look at these problems as challenges and become excited about finding solutions. The more we focus on finding a solution, the less time we have to worry about the problem – which is completely futile and only creates anxiety and/or depression. 

From now on you have no excuses. You only have solutions. You take full responsibility and you move forth with answers. Do it. 

“I feel I've been trying to do all this. I have gone to therapy for years and I am taking medication. I don’t understand why you think this is so easy?”

Doing all of those things is NOT easy, I assure you. If you are honestly doing all those things, then I would continue to do so with a better mindset. You must demand more from yourself. 

As hard as it is to accept you might be someone who has accepted being depressed and the idea of approaching situations in a healthy manner could indeed be terrifying for you. It’s time to get honest about where you are in your journey. 

Your therapist needs to be providing you with tools that will help you change your words and behaviors, altering your thought patterns. If your mental health professional is not doing this, then they are merely pushing you along, and going about what I call “wishful thinking” therapy. This means they are hoping for you to just make it along to the next week. Initially this might be necessary as they are trying to establish a good rapport with you. They desire for you to open up to them and give them more details. Ultimately the therapy will need to move past feelings and move towards the changing of thoughts and behavior. 

If your therapy has been dragging on more than a year, you need to find someone else. 

Again, when something isn't working, you need to accept that and find something else. It’s not your fault; it’s just part of life. Not everything works for everyone. One therapist is a disaster for one and a miracle worker for another. 

“I don’t care. I think you’re crazy and I have never heard anything so ridiculous.” 

Okay. 

I don’t really have a better way to respond to this. We can agree to disagree and I hope you have found the help you are looking for elsewhere. Perhaps you are different and I think that’s wonderful but please understand you should not limit yourself to seeing things in only one way. My perspective is different because of my experiences. While you might feel it is wrong based on your experiences, it is absolutely correct based on mine. 


Questions or Comments are welcome below. 





*I chose not to say which medication this was since I have recently discovered it is no longer available. 

3 comments:

  1. A must read. Particularly for my fellow mental health professionals. Toos (aka Jennifer) once again hits the proverbial "nail on the head"; offers great advice based on useful and realistic perspectives on the VERY REAL illness which is Depression. She's NOT a mental health professional, yet her perspectives and her advice are very much on point. This proficiency undoubtedly comes from her own struggle with mental illness; which also adds to the validity of this piece. Read it, comment. Toos speaks as she thinks, she does not censor herself or attempt to be a crowd pleaser; her opinions and views are only controversial to the extent that one refuses to take a peek at where she is coming from out of fear of having one's little certainties blown to smithereens or worse the fear of no longer "fitting in".. How naked would you feel without your opium?...whatever that is for you...but I digress. You might not always agree with Jennifer (aka Toos..lol) but you'll always enjoy her fresh and uncensored perspectives, her ability to understand the real issues behind the media bullshit and/or social hype. She has made me correct my stand on certain issues because of the powerful validity of some of her arguments which are sometimes impossible to ignore... So READ, be ready to THINK, QUESTION, even DEBATE should the fancy strike you...BUT most importantly, be as HONEST with yourself as she is when she expresses her opinions and views.
    Jennifer has a unique voice that needs to be heard.

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  2. This is so well written with so much good information!

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  3. Thank you! :) Much appreciated. Lots of stuff I've wanted to say for a long time...just never had the courage to do so.

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